Miserable heaven

Heaven at the time

2006-07-16T11:06:00.001-07:00

Garth was just a kid.
Despite of his disability, he was just a kid.
When we were bicycling together,
we were liked to talk.
He said, when we died
We will never get tired of bicycling,
the thing that we liked most.
We can ride our bicycle over the green field
There will be a big green field,
which we cant see--
the edge of it.
And there will be just a single road,
with all kinds of flowers along the road,
more than what we have ever seen before,
where all kids are bicycling together,
and we will talking and laughing.
None of our parents will call us home--
for lunch or dinner,
because we will never get tired.

He told me the place called "Heaven"
It sound strange to me,
it was the first time I heard of that word.
From what he said,
death seems like a wonderful thing to be.

Heaven.
I haven't seen it yet.
I think he just too selfish.
He left without any sign or notice,
even not a goodbye.
As soon as the bike stop,
When the day he said--
"I don't know you"
He just left me since the day

When I ask him to play,
I pressed the doorbell
there was his maid--
with her white shirt
smiling as saying,
"Ga-ade is studying overseas"
"and wont come back"

Well, I just want to say sorry--
to him,
because we had a fight someday before.
But I was too late, as always.

I really want to know,
where on the overseas,
the place called "Heaven" is,
Just like the maid said.

What I know was,
he was already playing
in the playground called "heaven"
with his yellow shiny bicycle
with tweety sticker on it's bench
talking and laughing--
with all the lucky child there,
and he won't come back.

I thought it just unfair.
He can play whole day.
doesn't need to--
go home to take lunch and dinner.
he is just play whole day,
just play whole day.

Hymn for the rain

2006-07-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

what could we thank for the rain outside the window?
for years we try to find out and look to the sky
because in the sky is the answer
we look out cloud to cloud after clouds
no thunder or flash
but a harsh fall of water drops
splitting the grey-fleshed creatures
dark and powerful it is
grace and elegant it does
to fell to the ground
cleanse all the emotion
and whatever we dropped
unlike the stars
he is not deaf
he listens to something in us that whimpers
listens to our song, played in national television
he flowed to the sea, hide the wicked and fraud
on the bottom of the darkest of the sea- until it cease
but before the day is fall
he alone is pride, the blessed redemption

Fibi

2006-07-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

For you I'm here
Irresistible love I have for you
Best I will do for you
I love Fibi

First one that I loved so much
I'm glad for she is the person
Beautiful for me, she is
I couldn't find any better one

First love in my heart
Immensely special
Breathtakingly memorable
I never found before

Far in her heart
Impossible for me to see
Barely for me to feel
I wonder if she feels for me

For she has
Irrefutably giving me
Best moments in my life that
I'm afraid I can't have anymore

For anything what will happen
Imbued with joy I am
Being able to barely reach your heart
I love you as always

Love scorns at us

2006-07-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

Love scorns at us

Why would she do that?
it is something that you can't understand
there's no wrong with her

you have to lie
to you

When your feeling is all over for her
maybe you know it
that is not as much as her to you

you have to lie
to you

When she called you
just to hurt you
and you feel hurt

you have to lie
to you

When you think about her
and she didn't think about you
was that fair for you?

you have to lie
to you

When everything you have done for her
was taken as lightly as feather for her
would it cost you your blood and heart?

you have to lie
to you

When you are talk to her
well she is that cold to you
would it make your heart cold as hers?

you have to lie
to you

When you said love to her
she said love to you
but you know it is not her heart saying so

you have to lie
to you

When you are afraid of tomorrow
she won't sing your name anymore
is that what your love would done for you?

you have to lie
to you

When you are missing her
too much
then you can't said to her

you have to lie
to you

And when you said to you
that were not true
she is your love...

you have lied
...to you

There is she

2006-06-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

are you sad?

no I am not

then why are you sleeping like that?

well like...?

sleeping with eyes open
put your head on the pillow
not your left cheek
or your right cheek

listening to song
without vocal
nor happy melody...

...are you looking to the stars?

please...
don't remind me about the stars
it saddens me...

well, I feel sleepy though...

tap...

tap...

tap...

tap...

...sleep now then

surrounded by your precious
along with your lunar dream

don't look to the night sky
stars are not there to see tears

happy should you be
resting under the bell
that seems ring forever
every four taps, eight taps, and so on...

...ah...

the feathers are falling down...
...too bright for eyes of the aurora's shine

tap...

tap...

tap...

tap...

and i see...
...there is she

Is it all about the nature?

2006-03-27T07:55:00.000-08:00

So I guess this is all about? This is like a scene that always frequently repeated some time in my life. Even though I always hate it. But it is unavoidable, I m pretty aware of that, and I cant change it for now.

I always like the sunset in the evening. The warm sunlight, with golden glowing ray, winds that whispers and flew through my limbs, smell of the nature that bring serenity, the sound of the clapping leaves that soothe my ears. I guess what would be better therapy for a single forlorn man?

That was the thing that I was thinking on that day. Then I will just go to the park near my house, the place, which I can call the secret garden of mine.

The park is a small park, full with yellow grass and little trees. Some part of the park was once a children playground that already left so it was only broken swings and else. It is located behind of my house complex, facing a very large field of tall yellow grass, which later on will be constructed to be a house complex as well. The park was far from the housing, it just deserted, and lonely like the most of us… Well at least for me.

I sat at one of the rotten bench that still stand under a short tree that has an uncountable yellow flower on it. I looked around, and I saw an old man which most of the time always there under the same tree. Then I saw from the far, two children that were playing with the broken swing, accompanied with their babysitters. I take a long deep breath for a while, and then it just come, appears before I realized. It was the sound of the singing birds. The dulcet sound of the evening, that always cures a lonesome heart. I always love to hear them sing. It was a song that can be heard sometimes if we realized it. Then if you try to hear and see with the ears and eyes of imagination, you can see heaven. Otherwise, it just an irritating sound of birds and leaves with a burning sunlight in the evening.

For sometimes, when I was enjoying the play of the nature, it comes the black cloud and the rain, which is so sudden and fast. It blows away the soothing sound of the birds, the sunlight, the dancing leaves and all. Replaced by thunders and cold. And I will ask to my self. Is it all about the rain? Is it all about the birds? Is it all about the sun? Or is it all about the nature?

Then I guess, it just all the same with life…

As a man, we always want to love a woman. I should realize better that love needs another love to grow. Then it is the same with me. I have loved a woman before, and I will love another woman after. It is so true that the sign of love should be as clear as you see the reflection of yourself in the mirror, but then it just not simply about love.

I have always wanted a woman in my life. When I love a woman, I am thinking about her as a special, then it would not easy to love a woman for I must be a better person than I am to avoid my loved one to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed Then it is a must that I have to keep her in my arms forever so we both will not hurt our fragile heart and for she is the first love and the last romance for me. Then I must treat her as all the kindness in the world for she is the half piece of my heart. Then we must not be separated for we are one and so are we even the death will rip us apart.

Then it would be a hardest decision ever to have a woman for me.

So it will come just a friend when I loved a woman, for I have to keep my code. Hide the feelings of mine for I don’t know if it is true. Tell lies for I’ll keep the tragic truth for me alone. Smiling desperately and cry in pain for I know she will be loved and be a woman of another man.

Then that was the entire scene that will be repeated frequently in my life. I hate it. But I know I must face it for I am just a person that is incapable of love. I just hope within this way, I will find another love for me for my love will grow with her. Then all of the place will be the same place on earth for my love is here with me…

So I just thinking… ask to my self

Is it all about the rain?

Is it all about the birds?

Is it all about the sun?

Or is it just about the nature?

remember me

2005-12-13T05:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight is a bright night
I see the moon over the arc
Ripples as it smiles
The reflection of my love

Let me say to all
Along with the stars watching on above
That I miss my lady

Then I would shed tears on every star above
Hoping so much you will be here with me
To hold me tight
Out of my misery

Then if there are only the moon and the stars would cherish the dark sky tonight
The one that would cherish the heart of mine every single night
Could only be my lady

it was a bit different anyway

2005-11-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

30th August 2005 was teeming as a year ago, full of colorful lantern and lights, songs and parade, waiting for the midnight’s bell. The situation of the Bukit Bintang road had never been changed at all since a year ago.

On the 30th of August 2004, I was also there, enjoying the Independence Day eve of Malaysia. I was with several friends; take a walk around the Bukit Bintang road in the night. There was a great deal of happiness filling the air. All the inhabitants of Malaysia, and also tourists are enjoying and celebrating the Independence Day eve. Colorful lights and lanterns are beautifying the road that night, with a loud singing performance by Malaysian singer in the middle of the road that already blocked for the big event. There also vendors and traders which were selling sprays and whistles for the countdown of the night. They were all seems pretty happy that night. I also join the joy, celebrating and sharing with three of my friends that were there.

Sale, sale and sale, the words were filling up the shops and malls that night. It was a bazaar sale which held every year for the Independence Day event. So I think it is the time when all of the people spending most of their money shopping. That was what I’m thinking of, so I was spending some of my savings that night, shopping for clothes and else, and so most of my friends whom I met that night as well.

Most of the people which are gathering around the Bukit Bintang road that night were waiting for the grand sparkler which will be launched from the place that not far from the location at the midnight.

I and my friends were hanging in the starbucks coffee, waiting for the midnight countdown to start. We were chatting and enjoying the situation of that time, waiting until the sparklers were going to spark in the starless sky. We were talking about many things, because I had just met them at that time. two of my friends at that time were girls, one is my classmate which also from Indonesian, and the another is student from another course in my college, who was there with her boyfriend, both of them are Malaysian. I think we were enjoying our time together that time.

Finally there was coming, the time that had been waited by most of the people there. The countdown was started. We were rushing from our table, out to the road that people gathered, in front of the Marriott Hotel. We were waiting… one minute… two minute… five minute… it was 12.05 AM of the 31st October, and nothing had sparkled in the sky near the KLCC. Some of the people were getting so upset and they began to nag. Then just a moment, a weak ray of light was approaching the sky. It was yellow. It began to spark a wonderful glow in the sky, chased by the green one, which also spark an amazing pattern of light, chased by the red and purple, and blue, and so on. People were silent and astonished. They were surprised by the sudden spark. And after the moment they were all shouted and yelled in happiness and joy, which also happened to me. That was one of the wonderful things that I have ever seen.

After the sparks finished, all of the people began to spray each other with their sprays which was sold on the street. They were all spraying each other, including the vendors. Nobody would get out from that place clean. They were all happy.

The thing was I can’t get back home after the event finished. That because, the train which going to my home direction had ended the services that night at 12.00 AM. I can’t get back home. My friends were getting back by car to their home which also located in the city. They wanted to fetch me back home. I appreciated their offer, but I just can’t do that, because we had just met each other. And I felt it was not good to problem somebody which I had just known. Maybe I looked stupid, but it was just my standard. Because of that, I have to spend the night at the station and get back by the morning by the earliest train. Although I have to spend my night in the station, I felt happy.

Independence Day eve on this year, is still the same as last year. It just made a difference reminding that on this year event, I have to spend the night alone celebrating the event in the Bukit Bintang road. That because I was there of doing photography assignment. Just when I felt lonely, my friend which is my new classmate called me and asked to hang out with her and her friends. I was very glad and hurried joining them. It looked like I don’t have to be exactly lonely that night. There were a large number of friends she has, maybe fifteen or sixteen of them altogether.

Then, it still the same with last year Independence day eve, all the laughs, all the joy and happiness, all the moment, the sparklers, the sprays and else… It just make a difference that, I didn’t need to stay at the station for the second time, because this time the train services are available until 02.00 AM in the morning.

on that windy evening...

2005-07-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

The sun set low on that day in July. It was shining with red colored ray, showering a dead tree which was standing near a small river in front of my house. It only took a second for me to decide to take a picture of that dead tree.

I was walking outside of my house. It was almost 6 PM in the evening. I like to take a walk around my house. Actually my house is in the housing complex in Jakarta. I like to walk around in the complex, because it is enjoying, refreshing, and sometimes it can soothe my sorrow. On that day, it was not very sunny rather windy. I was walking when I saw children was playing bicycle in group happily, they are boys and girls chasing each other with their bikes. I loved to hear their laughs. It reminds me to my childhood, when I used to play bikes with my best friend near my old house.

I used really like to play with him. But after I moved to my new house, we haven’t seen each other anymore. I don’t know what he will be looked like now. I would like to meet him again. But I’m pretty sure that he should have changed, like most of my old friends. Maybe I would never meet him like I knew him before. Everybody is changing.

So I was there, sitting, and watching children play. I feel the breeze within my legs and arms. It was a windy evening; it was so quiet, and peaceful. I enjoyed that moment, I closed my eyes, I hear the sound of the winds, laughs, and the dancing leaves of the trees around me. I was thinking of some of my old friends that I don’t recognize anymore. They have changed at all. I don’t know why, but I feel sad about it. I want my old friends.

After a long time I shut my eyes, slowly I feel the warmth of the sun which is shining low. I opened my eyes and I saw a tree. It was a dead tree, standing alone on a huge field in front of me. We just separated by a small river. I just realized if that tree has been standing there since I moved to my new house. It hasn’t changed at all. I didn’t like it when I moved in eight years ago. But now somehow I find it special, it just simply beautiful! It was showered by the dim ray of the sun. So I just hurried run to my house, I took my camera, and I took its picture until the sun is set.

Sometimes I wish I can get a friend that is not changing, a friend that I can recognize very well, a friend for life, a friend that just simply like the dead tree.

Quiet

2005-03-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

Quiet

When I feel alone
Time is just like…
Never ends
In wicked silent
Sadness that covers my breath of life
Impression and willingness which is hidden
To turn back to that time
When everything feels alright
When there was happiness and laughs
Is it possible to cast this sadness away?
Without leaving an emptiness inside me
Painful lamentation
Endless unrest
Which in the end
Would make a body wounded
And die
Stormy rain in the summer
Blur my silent memory
About the past
Make me realized that
Human can’t change it
Only stoned and froze
And burry this impression
Maybe, only god knows
The greatness of my grieve

The Remnant of

2005-03-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm so lost in my mind
but i still remember all of my mistakes
I'm sorry
so please forgive me...
look that my heart is broken
Left me now..along with the pieces of my broken heart
Because in me, you wont see a thing
There's nothing behind the broken heart
I understand that you dont understand anything done by
someone who doesn't possess a heart
That is waiting for someone..
which is only with the one I will find the remnant of my heart
And until the time has come
just left me in the solitude
along with the pieces of my broken heart

Sunshine on a gray evening

2005-02-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

I found myself a little bit happy while I’m sitting on a dark colored wood bench that evening. It was raining outside, a gray evening. I enjoyed that moment, listening to the jazz, watching two men beside me, playing chess. They took the play so seriously, costing them so much time to move a single piece of their token. There were a few peoples at the café that time, only because it was Wednesday. It was the fourth day of my long holiday, holiday that marked the end of the 1st semester.

After a while I saw an interesting young lady outside the window. She was walking in the rain, holding newspapers on her head to avoid of her being wet. She has a long half-curled black hair. She wore a white blouse, combined with a quarter leg dark blue colored jeans, plus a pair of dirty gray-white-red sneakers.

She was alone, and she entered the café. She took a bench near the window, put her wet wrinkled newspaper on the table, and went to the counter and ordered a drink. I watched her carefully at the moment. But I didn’t realize that she caught my eyes on her. She gave me back a smile. It lingers in my memories, left me no word to speak. Then she came to me, looked at the book in my hand, “Tales of the Dictators” by Jules Archer, and began to guess the men portraits on the cover of the book, by sitting next in front of me. She guessed it fluently and correctly. It made me so impressed. I pushed my self so hard to smile and act as calm as possible in order to hide away my astonishment.

I found her somehow interesting. I like her eyes, her nose, and the most I like the way she smiled to me. That what made me looked so weird that time. I just turned to stone. It wasn’t me at all. But I think that is what usually happens, to boys when they met a very interesting lady like she does. We did share our names, and having a little chat. I found her to be interested with history. When I was talking with her I felt like I was having a date with history.

It was already half past five when she excused herself for a permission to leave. She rested her hands on the table. Her black hair slid down over her shoulders. She finished her vanilla, put off her cigarette, and stood. “It has been a nice chat” I smiled carefully. She nodded and smiled. I was thinking that if I could have her phone number with me, but unfortunately she didn’t have one, it’s lost. Somebody must has stolen it from her, and I was not dared enough to ask her home phone number instead. So I just gave her mine when she asked for. She just laughed about it. The fact that I can’t contacted her unless she contacted me at first. She walked out from the building, held newspapers on her head, and then disappeared in the crowd of people.

So there she goes in the rain, left me there with a piece of broken heart.

Sometimes in my holiday, I dreamed about her. I often think of her. Until now, I’ve been missing her so bad. I still remember her scent, her smile, her hair, her face, and simply everything on her. It will linger for a long time in my mind. I wonder when will I see her again. Sometimes it just likes a dream. But one thing I know for sure, someday, I will see her again, no matter when, no matter where.

Boring day

2005-01-31T08:03:00.000-08:00

Today is such a boring day. I woke up at eight in the morning. I didn’t have a good sleep at the night before. As usual, before I woke up, I’m thinking what I’ll do today, and until today, Monday, 31 January 2005, I have been in holiday for 71 days. And I already sick of this endless holiday. Today, I’ve decided to spend my day reading sci-fi called Star-Wars, The New Jedi Order, episode Dark Tide I- Onslaught. Although I have spent all day long reading, I can’t finish it. I only get about a hundred pages. The book is all about the adventure of Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, his Jedi order and the New Republic fleet. This time after 30 years from the episode Star-Wars: A New Hope, the new republic and Jedi order, have facing a new threat from the new species of creature called Yuuzhan Vong. They’re a biological based creature from the outside of the galaxy. I think the story is quite good. But my limited knowledge of English has made the story of the book quite boring.

About seven in the afternoon, I’ve just finished reading. My mom asked me to have a dinner in a Chinese restaurant. So, I went with her. The restaurant located on the road side, a big road, and very crowded. Different from luxurious restaurant, this restaurant is not an expensive one, located on a road side, no air conditioner, and not neat at all. But mom likes the restaurant. She likes it because the food is delicious, has a lot vegetables, and she likes the atmosphere. We have a little chat, and soon after we finished our meal, we went home.

I like holiday. On holiday, I can hang around with my friends, I can spend my time with my mom, I can read till I drop, I can do anything I want, but the holiday just too long. It is no longer fun. Because most of my friends in Indonesia already get back to campus, they have already working on a new semester, but I haven’t finished my holiday. I feel like I waste my time, I need to do something, I’m tired reading all the books, I learn too much theory without any practical. But my holiday will end soon. I’ll be studying again on 16th of February. But after I rethink, this holiday is not wasting my time. I learn many things in this holiday, I’m happy near my family, my mom and my bro. Maybe today wasn’t a boring day at all. Maybe now I think today is a boring day. But I’m pretty sure that who knows, maybe someday in the future, I’ll miss this holiday. I’ll miss this boring day.

Saturday Night Blues

2005-01-29T19:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I went with my friends to watch movie. Yesterday was Saturday, and we went there just four of us, boys. I know it sounds weird. “Saturday night, go to the movie with boys?” that because most of us are single, only one of us who already has a gal and his gal is in another part of this world, not in our country. I’m eighteen, and since I was born, I have never had a gal. I’m cool with it. At least it because of me, it’s my choice of living, although I don’t like to be a single. I always think that it’s not my time to have a gal, because I’m not a man enough. So, I can live with it. But two of my friends that accompany me watching movie, they want a gal so much. They’re so loyal, they’re always hope, that someday in their lifetimes they will get the girls that they have loved since they were in junior high, I think that’s so romantic, but a tragedy that my friends have been waiting for the same girls since they were in junior high, and until now, they haven’t got what they want. I’m so proud of them, and I hope someday their dream will come true.

We are now entering the big red hall with a big screen in front of us. We are sitting on the left, on the “E” row, number 4, 5, 6, and 7. I sit on number 7, the nearest to the center of the hall. There were a lot of people in the cinema. And most of them were couples. The movie has not started yet, the light are still on, not so bright, like usual, they played romantic songs. I stared to the light on the ceiling, while three of my friends were laughing and talking about something that I don’t really understand, maybe I’m not listening. I was drowning in my mind. But I enjoyed that time. I can smelt popcorns, perfumes, and candies. I heard many people laughing and talking and it went along with the romantic melancholy songs. It was too peaceful there. And then one of my friends broke the silence. “Ernest, the movie is going to be started soon” he said. “What are you doing?” he quickly added. “nothing…” I whispered. Then the movie started, it’s “Meet the Fockers” starring Ben Stiller. The movie was funny. I’m laughing, together with my friends. I wasn’t so happy at all. I think it will be happier if we can share this happiness. But after all I think it’s better than laughing alone.